There have been many, many, many requests NOT to publish these very, very funny song adaptations. Enjoy! No cringing allowed.

I am the Virus

I am he as you are he as you are me
And we are all together in this
See how they run like bats from a gun it ain't no fun
See how they fly 6 feet away
I'm crying
Sitting on a wet market snake
Waiting for the ambulance to come
Corporation T-shirt, stupid bloody Tuesday
Man you've been a unsanitary boy
You let your face grow long
I am the wet marketman
They are the wet marketmen
I am the virus
Goo goo g'joob
Mister City masked policeman sitting
Pretty little masked policemen in a row
See how they fly like Chloroquine in the sky, see how they run 6 ft away
I'm crying, I'm crying
I'm crying, I'm crying
Yellow matter custard
Dripping from a dead bat's eye
Crabalocker fishwife, pornographic priestess
Boy, you've been an unsanitary girl, you let your knickers down
I am the wet marketman
They are the wet marketmen
I am the virus Goo goo g'joob
Sitting in an English garden
Waiting… Sipping on a Corona 

All the Frightened People

Ah, look at all the frightened people
Ah, look at all the frightened people

Eleanor Rigby
Sanitizes the church where a wedding has been
Lives in a dream
Waits 6 feet from the window
Wearing a face mask that she keeps in a jar of sanitizer by the door
Who is it for?

All the l frightened people
Where do they all come from?
All the frightened people
Where do they all belong?

Father McKenzie
Writing the words to a sermon that no-one is allowed to hear
No-one comes 6 feet near

Look at him working
Sanitizing his socks in the night when there's nobody there
What does he care?

All the l frightened people
Where do they all come from?
All the  frightened people
Where do they all belong?

Ah, look at all the frightened people
Ah, look at all the frightened people

Eleanor Rigby
Died in the church of Wuhan they say and was buried along with her name
At 6 feet away, nobody came 

Father McKenzie
sanitizing the dirt on his hands as he walks from the grave
Not one Wuhan victim was saved

All the frightened people (Ah, look at all the frightened people)

Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people (Ah, look at all the frightened people)
Where do they all belong? 

CoVid 19th Breakdown

You're the kind of person you meet at certain dismal, dull affairs like the EG POW Open

Center of a crowd, at least 6 feet away, talking much too loud, running up and down the stairs. TGP won't have it, you shit!

Well, it seems to me that you have seen too much in too damn many years, you be old

And though you've tried you just can't hide your eyes with your safety mask they are edged with infected tears

You better stop, look around
Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes, here it comes
Here comes your CoVid nineteenth nervous breakdown

When you were a child you were treated for the virus in kind
But you were never brought up right

You were always spoiled with a thousands of golf balls but still you cried all night

Your mother who infected you owes a million dollars tax
Which you are trying recoup from the POW's sack lunches in yearly bunches

And your father's still perfecting ways of making doobie sacks to hide his viral tracks

You better stop, look around
Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes, your CoVid nineteenth nervous breakdown  

Superman and Wuhan

The Wuhan came softly a-through my a-window today
Could've freaked out easy a-but I've a-masked my face
It'll take time, I know it but in a while
You're gonna be fine, I know it, you're not senile
'Cause I masked up you're going to be fine

I'll tell you right now
Any trick in the book a-now, baby, all that I can find Chlorox tabs are how

Everybody's shelterin' in place a-just to have a little clean space
When I say we'll be cool, I mean 98.6, no virus allowed, I think that you know what I mean

We washed in some bleach at sunset, it's illegal now, do you remember when?
I have some bleach where, baby, a-it never ends
When you've masked your face then you'll forever to be mine

Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm
I'll pick up your gloved hand and slowly blow your little mind
'Cause I masked my face up you're going to be mine
I'll tell you right now
Any trick in the book a-now, baby, that I can find
Chlorox tabs is how

Superman or Wuhan ain't got a-nothin' on me
I can make like a turtle and shelter in place, dive for your pearls in the sea, yep
A-you you you can just sit there while drinking Lysol on your velvet throne

'Bout all the N95's a-you can a-have for your own
When you’ve masked your face then can make your mind up, forever to be mine

Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm
I’ll pick up your gloved hand and slowly blow your little mind
When you’ve masked your face then can make up your mind up, forever to be mine
I’ll pick up your gloved hand, I’ll pick up your gloved hand 

Sequestered on a Hill

Day after day
Sequestered on a hill
The man with the Wuhan grin is keeping perfectly still
But nobody wants to get within 6ft of him
They can see that he's just a virus carrying fool
And he never gives an answer
But the virus carrying fool on the hill
Sees the Wuhan spread going down
And the infected eyes in his head
See the centrifuge spinning 'round
Well on the way
Head in a Chlorox cloud 
The man of a thousand viruses
Asymptomatically spreading the virus perfectly loud
But nobody ever gets near him
Or the dry coughing sound he appears to make
And he never seems to notice
But the virus infected fool on the hill
Sees the Wuhan spread going down
And the infected eyes in his head
See the centrifuge spinning 'round
And nobody seems to get near him
They can tell what he wants to poo
And he never shows his viral leanings
But the infected fool on the hill
Sees the centrifuge slowing down
And the… 

Wuhan Girl

Oh, oh, oh, little Wuhan girl
Oh, oh, oh, little Wuhan girl

I could escape this virus, with my Wuhan girl
I feel a dry cough without my, little Wuhan girl

I hear her heart beating 6ft away, loud as thunder
Saw the infected movie stars crashing down 

I'm a feverish mess without my, little Wuhan girl
Fevers up in the mornings where's my little Wuhan girl

I hear her heart's beating 6ft away, loud as thunder
Saw the infected movie stars crashing down

I feel a tragic disinfected clown like I'm Marlon Brando
When I look at my little Wuhan girl

I could pretend that nothing about my shelter in place really meant too much
When I look at my Wuhan girl

I stumble into town just like a asymptomatic cow
Visions of viral swastikas in my head
Plans for everyone
It's in the infected whites of my eyes
My little Wuhan girl

You shouldn't mess with me
My infection will ruin everything you are
You know, I'll give you CNN
I'll… 

Contaminee

We got Wuhan we both know it
We don't touch things too much around it
Yeah it ain't no real big secretion all the same
Somehow we sanitize around it
Listen it don't really matter to me baby
You believe what you want to believe
You see you don't have to live like a contaminee 

Somewhere, somehow somebody
Must have sneezed around you some
Tell me why you wanna lay there
And revel in your Wuhan
Listen it don't make no difference to me baby
Everybody's had to fight to be virus free
You see you don't have to live like a contaminee 
Now baby you don't have to live like a contaminee 

Baby we ain't the first
I'm sure a lot of other lover's been infected
Right now this seems real to you
But it's one of those things
You gotta feel fever free to have no flu

Somewhere, somehow somebody
Must have sneezed around you some
Who knows, maybe you were Shanghaied 
Tied up, taken away to Wuhan and held for antibodies
It don't really matter to me
Everybody's had to fight to be virus free
You see you don't have to live like a contaminee 
I said you don't have to live like a contaminee 

Contamination

Contamination, I just can't get rid of no
Contamination, but all I want to do, is to get within 6 feet of you.
Everything is going in the wrong direction
The doctor wants to give me more injections
Giving me shots for a the Wuhan's rare infections
And I don't know if he'll let me go.
Contamination, I just can't get rid of no
Contamination, but all I want to do, is to get within 6 feet of you.
My lungs, they get a very close inspection
I wonder why it is that they suspect 'em
I'm close to dying so add me to their sequestration 
And I don't know if they'll let me go.
Contamination, I just can't get rid of no
Contamination, but all I want to do, is to get within 6 feet of you.